Tuesday
You Might Be An Aspie If…
And so, if you don’t already know, I am a suspected Aspie. If you still don’t know by now, an Aspie is someone who has Asperger Syndrome, a form of high-functioning autism. Meanwhile, I am only suspected because I haven’t actually gone and get it diagnostically confirmed for a variety of reasons which I will just summarise with the following 2 points:
1. It’s a waste of time.
2. It’s a waste of money.
So, as a victim of inflation and the rising cost of psychiatric treatment, I have sought to find an economical, cheap and easy way to successfully and unsuccessfully diagnose Asperger Syndrome. The result? You Might Be An Aspie If:
I laughed my head off as I was reading that website, mainly because I could identify so well with most of them. So here are my own personal contributions…in true Jeff Foxworthy fashion…
If you tuck in your shirt to prevent gastric…you might be an Aspie.
If you feel the need to plan your MSN conversations…you might be an Aspie.
If you avoid eye contact with car headlamps…you might be an Aspie.
If you think combing your hair is a waste of time…you might be an Aspie.
If you think getting your hair cut is a waste of money because that $10 could be better spent on 5 plates of Fried Rice instead of on having hair all over the plate of Fried Rice you are eating now…you might be an Aspie.
If your reply to ‘What’s up?’ was ‘The ceiling,’…you might be an Aspie.
10 extra points if you only found it funny after the other person started laughing.
If the smell of perfume gives you a headache, and you fart to neutralize the smell…you might be an Aspie.
If you were given the nickname ‘Master Ball Scratcher’ in your youth…you might be an Aspie.
If you have ever walked into a toy store and spontaneously cried out “That’s a Pre-59!” while pointing at a little Hot Wheels baja bug…you might be an Aspie.
If you can tell the difference between a 1962 VW Beetle and a 1964 VW Beetle and then write a 10 page thesis on why it is NOT a 1963 VW Beetle…you might be an Aspie.
If you can remember Peter Schmeichel’s middle name but can’t for the life of you remember if you have bathed yet…you might be an Aspie.
If someone has ever blocked your way while you were walking and you instinctively went ‘beep beep’…you might be an Aspie.
If you know how many MRT doors there are between the escalator at Queenstown and the escalator at Boon Lay…you might be an Aspie.
If you have been eating Banana Nut Crunch for breakfast every day since the days when the box showed the recipe for Banana Nut Bread…you might be an Aspie.
If you ate a slice of bread and a packet of milk every day during recess since Primary School all the way up to Secondary School and stopped in Poly because the timetable did not include the term ‘recess’…you might be an Aspie.
If you wobble your knees in front of your opponent because you believe that it will throw them off the same way Liverpool's Bruce Grobbelaar threw off Roma’s Francesco Graziani in the penalty shootout to win the 1984 European Cup even though the sport you’re playing has absolutely no connection to football, such as table tennis…you might be an Aspie.
10 extra points if it actually worked.
If you’re angry at your maid because she packed up the room and you can’t find that particular sheet of paper that you purposely put on top of your handphone but now that section of the floor is empty and your handphone is next to your wallet on the table and you’re in exasperation and filled with rage and you confront your maid and she looks at your face and asks concernedly “What’s wrong, do you have constipation?”…you might be an Aspie.
More to come when I can think of them!
And so, if you don’t already know, I am a suspected Aspie. If you still don’t know by now, an Aspie is someone who has Asperger Syndrome, a form of high-functioning autism. Meanwhile, I am only suspected because I haven’t actually gone and get it diagnostically confirmed for a variety of reasons which I will just summarise with the following 2 points:
1. It’s a waste of time.
2. It’s a waste of money.
So, as a victim of inflation and the rising cost of psychiatric treatment, I have sought to find an economical, cheap and easy way to successfully and unsuccessfully diagnose Asperger Syndrome. The result? You Might Be An Aspie If:
I laughed my head off as I was reading that website, mainly because I could identify so well with most of them. So here are my own personal contributions…in true Jeff Foxworthy fashion…
If you tuck in your shirt to prevent gastric…you might be an Aspie.
If you feel the need to plan your MSN conversations…you might be an Aspie.
If you avoid eye contact with car headlamps…you might be an Aspie.
If you think combing your hair is a waste of time…you might be an Aspie.
If you think getting your hair cut is a waste of money because that $10 could be better spent on 5 plates of Fried Rice instead of on having hair all over the plate of Fried Rice you are eating now…you might be an Aspie.
If your reply to ‘What’s up?’ was ‘The ceiling,’…you might be an Aspie.
10 extra points if you only found it funny after the other person started laughing.
If the smell of perfume gives you a headache, and you fart to neutralize the smell…you might be an Aspie.
If you were given the nickname ‘Master Ball Scratcher’ in your youth…you might be an Aspie.
If you have ever walked into a toy store and spontaneously cried out “That’s a Pre-59!” while pointing at a little Hot Wheels baja bug…you might be an Aspie.
If you can tell the difference between a 1962 VW Beetle and a 1964 VW Beetle and then write a 10 page thesis on why it is NOT a 1963 VW Beetle…you might be an Aspie.
If you can remember Peter Schmeichel’s middle name but can’t for the life of you remember if you have bathed yet…you might be an Aspie.
If someone has ever blocked your way while you were walking and you instinctively went ‘beep beep’…you might be an Aspie.
If you know how many MRT doors there are between the escalator at Queenstown and the escalator at Boon Lay…you might be an Aspie.
If you have been eating Banana Nut Crunch for breakfast every day since the days when the box showed the recipe for Banana Nut Bread…you might be an Aspie.
If you ate a slice of bread and a packet of milk every day during recess since Primary School all the way up to Secondary School and stopped in Poly because the timetable did not include the term ‘recess’…you might be an Aspie.
If you wobble your knees in front of your opponent because you believe that it will throw them off the same way Liverpool's Bruce Grobbelaar threw off Roma’s Francesco Graziani in the penalty shootout to win the 1984 European Cup even though the sport you’re playing has absolutely no connection to football, such as table tennis…you might be an Aspie.
10 extra points if it actually worked.
If you’re angry at your maid because she packed up the room and you can’t find that particular sheet of paper that you purposely put on top of your handphone but now that section of the floor is empty and your handphone is next to your wallet on the table and you’re in exasperation and filled with rage and you confront your maid and she looks at your face and asks concernedly “What’s wrong, do you have constipation?”…you might be an Aspie.
More to come when I can think of them!
